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HELLO ALL PEOPLE OF NORTH WEST ENGLAND I AM VISITOR FROM PLANET MARS. I HEAR LOT OF FEW PEOPLE SAYING ‘BLUEGAS’ SO I MUST LIKE TO SAMPLE IT SO I SEE IN A B.B.BOOK A PLACE CALLED ‘IDEAL BLUEGAS FESTIVAL’ SO I GO. UP A MOUNTAIN DOWN A DALE TO IDEAL VILLIGE, I SEE NO SIGNPOST TO FESTIVAL SO I GO ON OH A LITTLE SIGN FOR BLUEGAS UP A LITTLE LANE TO A SWAMP. “DO YOU HAVE WELLINGTONS OR DO YOU LIKE TO HIRE THEM £5 EACH LEG”. HE WANT KNOW HAVE I GOT BANK ACCOUNT OR AM I HOUSEOWNER DO I REQUIRE A MORTGAGE. OHHH.... ENOUGH OF THIS SO I GO IN. I SEE LOT OF WEIRD GIANT EARTHLINGS IN CATTLE SHEDS BANGING ON DRUMS AND WAILING - OOHH AHHH! SO BLUEGAS AT LAST. I MUST JOIN IN FUN I BUY BIG PLASTIC BROWN WATER BUT MUST PAY BIG DEPOSIT FOR PLASTIC JUG SO I CAN DRINK LOTS FOR LATER FALLING IN MUD. BUT WHAT FOR IS GREAT BIG CATTLE SHED? OHHH.. MORE GIANT EARTHLINGS SINGING NICE MUSIC NOT SAME AS WAILING-TYPE BLUEGAS CAN IT BE BLUEGAS TOO? IF IS MUST BE SPECIAL BLUEGAS! SECURITY GUARDS, ARMBANDS, TRUNCHEONS, SPECIAL PASSES, BADGES, I GO INVISIBLE I GET IN OK! VERY DARK DIRTY GLOOMY OOPS I JUST FALL OVER BALE OF HAY IN COW DUNG VERY NICE. HELLO WHAT BRING MY OWN ARMCHAIR - LEFT IT ON MARS HECK! OHHH.. LIGHTS ON STAGE VERY OLD NOTICE FADED SAYS ‘IDEAL BLUEGAS FESTIVAL’ I THINK. OHHH... HERE IS GOD... NORMAL SIZE LIKE ME EARTHLING BUT IN WHITE SUIT AND TIE, NO WELLINGTONS. NORMAL-SIZE MAN SPEAKS ON PRIMITIVE SOUND SYSTEM “HELLO AGAIN BELIEVERS AND FOLLOWERS, EH! EH! EH! I JUST MANAGED TO BOOK THESE BRITISH FOR £25,000 AGAIN EH! EH! EH! AND THIS USA BAND FOR NOTHING OK AND AGAIN ENJOY VERY EXPENSIVE BEER, DRUNKS NON-BLUEGAS MUSIC AND FOR YOUR SAFETY THIS YEAR WE HAVE THE SAS AND FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION AND MI5”. I MUST TRY BEER - FED UP WITH EXPENSIVE BROWN WATER. ‘GOD’ TELLS US TO IGNORE ANY LOUD SCREAMING AND SWEARING FROM OUTSIDE AND FLASHING LIGHTS. I LIKE GAME OF ‘GO FOR DRINK OUTSIDE THEN INTERROGATION TO GET BACK IN’. VERY FUNNY I LIKE, SO GO VISIBLE AGAIN. GOOD JOB BECAUSE SKY WATER WASHES OFF INVISIBILITY SHIELD ANYHOW. VERY NICE FREEZING COW SHED SUITS MARTIANS VERY NICE. HOPE SEE YOU ALL NEXT YEAR. I GO HOME TO PLAY MY BANJO, GUITAR, MANDOLIN, DOBRO, VIOLIN AND BANG ON TOM-TOM AND WATER FLOWERS WITH DEGGNEYING CAN. GOODBYE EARTH, BYE-BYE! PS. BE PLEASED NOTE NOT ALL MY STORY TRUE SOME IS BIG JOKE. ALL HUMANS LOOK SAME SO RESEMBLE ALL EARTH MEN LIVING OR DEAD AND NO SUCH THING AS IDEAL PLACE. Editor's note: at risk of death I can now reveal that "Ideal" refers to "Edale Bluegrass Festival".
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